Acceptance and Forgiveness go hand in hand

Acceptance and forgiveness go hand in hand.  Acceptance is releasing resistance to what is and forgiveness is letting go the emotional attachments to the outcome.  Forgiveness means letting go the suffering in your mind and your emotions.

If your mind is holding on to a pattern of blame, self-pity, or resentment it is feeding your emotional state and may show up as regret, sadness, hurt, fear, guilt, blame, anger, resentment or even desire for revenge.   All of these feelings tell you that you have not forgiven nor let go. 

Non-forgiveness may be towards yourself or another person. It can also be about a situation or condition past, present or future that your mind refuses to accept. 

Acceptance is the first step and step two is a willingness to forgive. You may not know exactly how to forgive just be willing to forgive and you have begun.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning their attitude or behaviour it simply releases your attachment to wishing it were different aka resisting what is and suffering your mental perception of what that means to you.    

You live with a general feeling of discontent, resentment and irritation that is present in the background as you go through your day. This feeling is fed by unconscious thoughts that go along the following lines.    

“There is something that needs to happen in my life before I can be at peace (happy, fulfilled, etc.). And I resent that it hasn’t happened yet.”

“Something happened in the past that should not have happened and I resent that. If that hadn’t happened I would be at peace now.”

“I will never be peaceful or happy until they apologize and acknowledge how they have hurt me.”  

Oh my. You can feel it can’t you. The futility of needing someone else to do something so you can be free and happy. What if you never get it?

You are simply telling yourself stories of how you’ll be at peace at some point in the future once a certain event happens.

Are you to suffer a life of sadness and despair because you are giving the key to your own peace and happiness to another person or situation?  There is another way.

Become aware of the stories you’re constantly telling yourself in the back of your mind of why you can’t be happy now.

Decide that being happy–and at peace– is more important to you than being right.

Symbolically let them go. 

Once you are ready take the next step to surrender into forgiveness. In your heart and open to be willing to forgive them. In truth nothing others do is because of you it is because of the stories within them. When you stop taking it person you set yourself free from unhappiness.

You can begin with simple intent “I forgive you for not being how I want you to be.”  “I forgive you your ignorance, you have no idea how it hurts.” “I forgive you for being so wrapped up in your delusion and drama.” Find words that work for you. 

A Hawaiian prayer of forgiveness and release that I use is the Ho'oponopono mantra "I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you."  This prayer is not said for the other person but rather for you. It is a way of acknowledging, accepting and letting go your reaction or attachment to the past. It is traditionally said over and over until you feel a shift within. 

• The apology is an acknowledgement that we are sorry for whatever it is that we (or our ancestors before us) have done to cause or allow the adverse circumstance to take place. 
• We are asking for forgiveness for having forgotten we are love. 
• Love is a great healing power. The very act of thinking loving thoughts will tune your mind to that frequency with remarkable and immediate results. Love is accepting yourself and your feelings. 
• Your "thank you" is the acknowledgement that your intention has been heard and accepted and now you can let go. 

Good luck Bad luck

“Good luck bad luck, who knows.”

    There once was a poor rice farmer who had a very small field, just enough to feed his family. One day his only working horse ran away. Hearing the news his neighbour runs over sympathize with him. “I hear you lost your horse.  That is bad luck indeed.”

     “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” shrugged the farmer.

     Then one day a herd of wild horses came running through the village. They ran into the farmers rice field and got stuck in the mud, and since they couldn’t get away they became his property.

     Again the neighbour ran over all excited as he declared. “What good fortune, you are rich, this is amazing.”

     “Good luck bad luck, who knows?” replied the accepting farmer.  A few weeks later the farmer’s son attempted to break in one of the wild horses but alas was thrown from the horse and incurred a broken leg.

     Of course, upon hearing the latest news the neighbour rushed over to offer condolences.  “This is such a sad thing. Your son has broken his leg. What bad news.

     “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” says the farmer yet again.

     A week later a Chinese General is marching through the farmers village on the way to war. On this march the army is conscripting every healthy boy over 10 years of age. So they took every boy in the village except the farmers son because of his broken leg.

    The neighbour comes running over to celebrate the good fortune. “This is wonderful news, how lucky you are.” “Good news bad news, who knows.”

    

     This positive Taoist story offers many meanings. It serves as a reminder that nothing is 'good news' or 'bad news' per se, but that it always comes down to one's own interpretation.

                  Be mindful of your judgements and the stories you tell yourself about a situation. Ask yourself “Is it true? Do I know it is absolutely true? How do I react when I think these thoughts? Who would I be without that thought? What is the blessing here?

    

                                      

The disaster in my mind!

     

     "My life is ruined! There is no hope.  You ruined everything, I'll never forgive you. Whoa is me." Ever been there? I know I have. Granted, some things in life do seem momentous or disastrous in the moment and we see no way out and yet here we are on the other side of it. 

     It is our conditioned nature to take things personal and or to assign blame for our circumstances outside of ourselves. We put our expectation of happiness on outside circumstances and when we feel let down we get emotionally, mentally devastated and the story of drama begins. We live it. We imagine the worst case scenario, believe it to be true, feel victimized, assign blame and probably dream or take revenge. In other words we over react to a judgement about what happened, not life itself. 

     Here is a prime example from my own life. It's 1982. I am desperate to move out of the rundown townhouse we were living in as I raised a three year old and 1 year old twins. It was constantly cold in the cement ground floor apartment with only an unfinished basement for storage and laundry. Sometimes Andy was away for 14 days at a time leaving me to comfort myself with food and regular crying jags. I was depressed, sad, stuck and feeling helpless when the 'opportunity of a life time' came our way. We got a lead on an acreage sale just 20 minutes East of town. Yes it was a trailer on 3 acres of land but it was a mansion compared to our present domicile. I was hooked.

     All of a sudden I was certain that this was the answer to everything!! Four bedrooms, a kitchen and dining room, fresh air for the kids and freedom from the distressing noise and disruptions common to the neighbourhood.  Now all we need is the money for the down payment. 

     My dear mother in law, God rest her soul, came forward to rescue us and set me free. I prayed everyday, good Catholic that I was for the paperwork to go through, the loan to go through and for it to be done yesterday.  I was in a hurry and it consumed my every waking moment. This was my salvation. Mom had taught me early on that "Prayers work. You may not always get what you asked for, but you will always get what you truly need." Blindly believing that to be true, I knew in my heart our prayers had been answered. 

     The day the final transfer papers were to be signed, my mother in-law had a bad day and sadly succumbed to her addiction and got very, very drunk. She and Andy argued and yup, she withdrew her offer for financial assistance.

     I was devastated beyond words! She and she alone had ruined my entire life!!! Resentful, angry and unforgiving we began to drift apart. I could not forgive her. She and she alone had ruined the rest of my life. It was not pretty. 

     Three months go by and I got a letter from my lawyer to say "Oh my God you are lucky to have lost that house. Turns out the guy selling it did not own it. He was managing the property for the owner who was in Australia at the time. You would have lost everything." 

    Huh.....my Mom was right, I did get what I needed not what I 'thought' I needed, who knew.    

     Retrospect is a great teacher isn't it. Take a tea break and let yourself stroll down memory lane and witness when you were let down in the moment and it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. 
  "There are no accidents." Acceptance is peace. 

     

     

 

Resistance is futile, how can I play with this?

     To affect change or address things efficiently we first have to acknowledge what is happening to see what is called for here. We look to what is happening on the outside and then we focus in on what is happening within us. What are you feeling? What are you thinking? In other words what story are you telling yourself?? 

     Next comes acceptance, no point in wishing it was any different than it is. If its raining, its raining, adapt. Resistance is futile and a debilitating waste of energy just like worry. It can only make matters worse, whatever they are. 

     "Resistance is futile!" is a phrase made popular by The Borg on Star Trek (we are all Trekkies at my house.) It was intended as a threatening intimidation to give up and surrender in spite of their free will.
My use of the phrase here is quit different. I am speaking of resisting what life has given us. We have such an innate need to control things that as soon as something goes astray, like the weather, we react with resistance, struggle, stress, complaining and frustration that impacts your whole day. There is another way.

     We can learn to accept, adapt and continue with grace. Some of the posts and post links that follow are sharing simple daily occurrences that called for adaptation, to reach into my inner playful genius and find a solution that worked for the moment.   "It is what it is, how can I play with this?" I will also share the stories of my struggles when I wasn't as conscious and aware, I wasn't born this way :)

Other posts will address deeper life issues shared by many and how they found ways to continue with grace. As you follow along I hope it brings you insight and inspiration to know that there is a softer gentler way.